Are You a Good “Well, Actually,” Friend?
You only need to draw a breath in the morning or be able to fog a mirror to observe the deep and growing confrontational divide between people of certain beliefs.
That divide is tearing apart friends, family, and even business relationships.
Rather than make one side stronger and more right, it makes us all weaker and accelerates the timeline to emotional pain, anger, hurt, and suffering.
It Doesn’t Have to Be That Way.
Let me be clear; I will never be able to say anything so profound that it will change how the earth rotates. And my words may never reach many people. But two words have changed my life for the better in so many ways.
We all have those in our lives who have set up camp in one idea, political belief, or crackpot theory. Dealing with those folks with alternative points of view is exhausting and can be disturbing.
I’m not a saint. Those alternative points of view get to me as well. At times I find myself getting frustrated when the electrician tells me about martial law coming this week or when the baker tells me that we need to get rid of the police.
But when I feel those warm waves of emotion start to crest or find my tension level rise, I remember the two words that have saved me so many times since I learned them.
You Don’t Have to Be Wrong for Me to Be Right.
I’ve finally learned that while I may wholeheartedly disagree with someone on something, that doesn’t mean we can’t agree on most things.
What is irritating and ironic is that the ideas and beliefs that drive people apart are things we can’t control. For example, I have no control over if the neighbor two doors down put the fence up in the right place or what the guy with the loud pickup truck blowing black exhaust was trying to infer to one or more passing cars.
I was once in a far back West Virginia bar and was jostled out of the way by two guys throwing punches about who the better NASCAR driver was. They were deeply invested in their positions and a few rounds of shots as well.
While others saw two men fighting, it occurred to me that the issue they were tussling about only meant something to like-minded fans. Dale Earnhardt didn’t care at all if these two men landed on the sticky floor, and one punched his way to believing he was right.
Ultimately I think the winner at that moment was the girl at the bar that laid claim to their abandoned drinks on the bar. Well played.
That Moment Started to Turn My Life Around. Thanks, Dale.
From that bar fight, I slowly began to develop my two-word belief that has made my life better in so many ways.
And what are those two words? They are simple but powerful. “Well, actually.”
Yes, that simple phrase, “well, actually,” allowed me to stop being emotionally invested in my friend, electrician, or the dental assistant from being an idiot. It gave me the power to listen to the other point of view the person held and not be defensive about it. I no longer had to let my brain chemistry drive me into believing you had to be wrong for me to be right.
All you can do is all you can do. But all you can do is enough. — Art Williams
Life became much less confrontational and combative when I learned that it is okay to allow a friend to have an alternative perspective. If they wanted to share it with me, I listened politely instead of interrupting them. And boy was that powerful.
Here is How to Put it All Into Practice
The next time someone is spouting some theory or belief that you just completely disagree with, do this:
- Really listen to what the other person has to say.
- At a polite moment when you get your chance to say something, instead of saying they are wrong or dismissing them, start a clam response that presents how you see things by saying, “Well actually, here is what I learned.”
Ultimately the best we can hope for in such situations is not to be right but to allow you to respond with your beliefs and facts.
I have many friends and professional acquaintances with a much different view of life, politics, or conspiracies. But one thing I’m proud that they can say to others is that they were talking to a friend, me, that gave them at least one new bit of information.
Don’t get me wrong; you are never going to change the entrenched opinion of anyone radically. But what you can do is just plant an inquisitive seed that has a chance of growing.
But “Well, Actually,” Won’t Work With the Opinions of Others.
To really be invested in this approach, you have to put the work in and learn the facts and not just regurgitate opinion. Let verifiable facts guide your opinion.
To build respect and clout with others, I find that stating a verifiable fact is much more powerful than spitting back someone else's opinion.
If the response percolating on the tip of your tongue is something you heard on a personality television or radio show, keep your mouth shut. The opinions of others are opinions and not facts.
Knowing the facts is hard work. You can’t continue to let people tell you what to think. You have to take the time to research an issue yourself and get your information from the source, or as close to the source as you can.
And if you don’t know the facts to have an informed response, it might be best to accept the challenge of going do your research and becoming a better, “well, actually,” friend.
